Is Participation Enough?

I ignored my 1st place position in my age group that day.  It was a genuine accomplishment to run the entire race without stopping - even though I so desperately wanted to walk several times. Upon reflection I realized that I refuse to think of myself as only being a relevant competitor when compared to the smaller group of my age-group peers. Some part of me burns to be at the front of the pack, or at least some kind of a threat.  For that reason, I guess I'd be called competitive. I don't think it is meant by others in a pejorative sense - but I don't fully embrace that label. Whatever that drive is to overcome the competition - the truth is that at my age (or perhaps any age) I am mostly desperate to be relevant. I want, or perhaps need to be seen as a competitor, not just a participant.  I don't know whether that is healthy or not. I suspect that the pursuit of excellence in all its forms is the purest drive for the podium.  But for now, my desperation helps to give me the motivation I need on the days that it is so very hard to even show up.  On the days I show up, it gives me the strength to give whatever I have that day.  On the rare days that I'm full of energy and feel healthy and strong - it gives me the drive to push past the limits of the week before. 

I recognize and admire the many stories of those who overcome tremendous challenges in order to complete the race, or achieve their personal best. I stand in awe and admiration for those true champions - but I find it difficult to appreciate the same for myself.  Perhaps as I learn and grow I can add a bigger sense of personal satisfaction for those accomplishments.  In the meantime, I will seek to push myself to discover my limits.  I will harness that desperation, a commitment to excellence and whatever sense of personal satisfaction I can muster to become a better triathlete and a better person.